My Ma sent me to a special home when I was fifteen. She said it was for the best. I needed special care. It was the only way to sort me out. However, I felt Ma was the one who needed her head examined. But would she listen to me?
      So off she sent me to one of those big ugly places where everybody was fucking nuts. I was the only sane one there and that included those bastards who ran the kip.
      On the way over in the car, Ma gave me an ear full:
      - I hope you're proud of yourself, she said. I'm only glad your father isn't around to see what type of a brat you've turned out to be. If he could see you now. If only he could see you now.
      - But he couldn't Ma. He's gone and he's probably better off where he is now too. Dad knew what he was doing was the best thing he could ever possibly do when he allowed that Jameson fellow to talk him into jumping into the old Liffey river. I would like to shake that Jameson fellow's hand. He sounds like a clever bloke to me.
      Ma gave me a wallop and told me to shut the fuck up. Don't you ever talk about your poor father like that again, you stupid boy. She started to cry and noisily blew gooey greenish snots into a tissue.
      - If you hadn't gone and burnt down the church none of this would have ever happened.
      - That's right Ma, blame poor old me. Sure, while you're at it why don't you blame me for Dad getting you up the pole with me? I'm sure that was my fault too. I was the one that ruined your life, wasn't I? Wasn't I, Ma?
      Ma gave me another bang on the head.
      -I'm glad we're nearly there. I'd be glad to get rid of you for a while. Hopefully, the doctors will be able to sort out your problem because you've a big problem, Joe. You need serious help.
      - Ma, I'll make you a deal. Give us a couple of hundred quid and I'll fuck off on the boat and you'll never see me again. I promise. I'll go over to the Queen's lovely country and start a fresh life up for myself.
      Ma was laughing now, telling me how, if she had any money, she would gladly give me some to fuck off across the Irish Sea. She is such a generous, warm person, my Ma is. I love her to bits, yes I do.
      When we finally arrived at my new special home, Ma quickly said her goodbye and pretended to care by giving me a big hug and a sloppy kiss on my check before I was whisked off up the stairs by a young culchie to see my new room and meet my new roommates. When I got to the top of the long curling stairs, I stuck my head over the balcony and saw Ma crying and talking to one of those wonderful doctors that was going to 'fix' me up.
      - Ma, I shouted down, don't worry everything will be all right. I'll be as right as rain when I meet this Jameson fellow. Hopefully, he'll be able to suggest an escape route for me like he did for Dad.

* * *       My room was big and had six beds in it. There were four lads sitting and reading. The culchie introduced me as Joe and told them all to introduce themselves to me. They all looked like mad blokes to me. Lunatics. I'm going to be sharing the room with a group of lunatics. Jaysus! Could they not stick me in a room with some normal people?
      The youngest bloke came over to me and shook my hand real friendly.
      - Hiyeh, I'm Martin, he said, it's nice to have a new roommate. The second one also shook my hand and told me his name was Jeff. While the third one who had a skinhead didn't even bother his arse to get off his bed and be really nice and welcome me like the first two. Instead the lazy fucker just said his name was Jim. As for the fourth fellow, he didn't even introduce himself. The culchie just told me that his name was Mark but everybody called him Eskimo on account that he always wore three or four jumpers, and his big furry jacket.
      - He doesn't talk much, our Mark. Explained the culchie. He's a shy sort of fellow. The culchie pulled open the doors of a closet and pointed to a spot where I could keep my clothes. She told me to take the bed near the window. The windows had bars. Fuck it; there goes a noose round my plan to jump out the fucking window to escape.
      The culchie took me on a grand tour of the establishment and introduced me to all the other people who worked there and to six girls who were also guests here too. There's not much point in describing the place apart from saying that it was depressing and cold and I fucking didn't want to spend a moment longer in the place. The girls looked a bit of all right though, the older ones that is.
      After all the pleasantries I was sent back up to my room to wait for supper. When the culchie left the room all the lads, apart from Eskimo, gathered round me to suss me out.
      - Nosey, aren't use. Let's get one thing straight and that is, I'm straighter than a doornail. So don't any of you get any ideas about me being the type of chap who would gladly bend down to pick up the bar of soap in the shower.
      They all laughed.
      - What you talking 'bout Joe, the skinhead Jim said. We are all men here with healthy attitudes. You can join our wanking club if you so desire and I'm sure you will be a dedicated member of our little society.
      - 'Wanking' club? I asked. What are you talking about?
       - You see, because all the girls are strictly off limits and there's no way to get near them, we wank off every night to see who can come the quickest. We even have some porno mags, said Jeff. Have you any mags with you?
      - No I don't and I don't want to join your wanking club. I just want to get the fuck out of here as quickly as possible.
      They laughed again but louder this time. You certainly are a funny man. I think we have a comedian on our hands lads, Jim said.
      - I'm not a fucking comedian and if you don't leave me alone I'll be the one laughing when I'm watching the people here use the fire extinguisher to put out the fire on your heads.
      -What you talking about Joe?
      They looked confused. I started laughing at them.
      - I'll fucking burn all you fuckers if you don't leave me alone. I'll torch you all. Get away from me now. I'm starting to count. If you don't move by ten I'll let you have it. One, two, three, four, five, six…
      - He's a mad one that Joe, said Jeff.
       - Seven, eight, nine…but they all left me alone before I got to ten. None of them bothered me much after that. I know how to deal with these nutters. It was best not to associate myself with them; otherwise people might get the wrong impression of me and think me as being a nutter too. I wasn't having that. No way.
      Supper was grand. Better than what Ma

* * *       The culchie led me down a long corridor and ushered me into a room that the Doctor was in. She struck me as a frustrated old hag who had seen better days, probably around the time that the shit hit the fan in Camelot.
      - This is Joe Harvey, the new patient. The culchie introduced me to the Doctor and left.
       - Hello Joe. My name is Doctor McCabe. Have you fitted in comfortably enough with us here?
      No, I fucking haven't. You stuck me in a room with a load of nutters who have gone and formed a wanking club. The mad bastards are probably pulling themselves off right now. No, I didn't say that to her. Instead I said: -Yes, thank you very much Doctor McCabe. I'm sharing a room with a group of smashing lads.
      - Well, I'm glad to hear that you are settling in fine. Please take a seat.
      I sat down and watched her scrutinising me now and again, as she read something in a brown folder that was marked with my name. The room was silent for ages while she read whatever was in that folder. The only sound to be heard was that of a faint wind tapping against the window and a clock that went tick,tock,tick,tock. The silence was stirring up the voice in my head.
      - Doctor, I said, I noticed that my name is on the cover of that folder you are reading. Is there anything interesting about me in it?
      - Yes, Joe, she replied. There is quite a few interesting thinks in here about you. Tell me, how are you feeling since your father past on three months ago.
      - Great, I replied.
      - Tell me something about your father. Do you miss him much?
      - Nay, I don't miss him that much. Sure I get to see him more now than I did when he was alive. He was always out chasing that Jameson fellow when he was alive. It's great now that he's dead because Ma and I see him more.
      - Sorry! What do you mean?
      - I mean that he can't be off chasing that Jameson fellow now that he's dead and is in Glasnevin. Ma and I can go visit him any time now when we like, instead of having to wait for him to come home in the wee hours of the morning because he was out with that Jameson fellow.
      -O I see, she said.
      She went on for about thirty minutes or so, telling me how I was in the right place and that they would be able to help me. After she had finished with her waffle, I thanked her and told her how much it would mean to Ma and me that I get better as quickly as possible. But that voice inside my head was telling me that I was Ok, that it was Doctor McCabe who needed help. Of course, I believed the voice.

* * *       By the time I had returned to my room, I had already made a plan. I was going to escape in the morning. There was no way that I was staying here. No way at all! The lads were all sitting on their beds eagerly waiting for one of the women who stayed outside our room's door to order the lights out so that they could get down to some serious wanking. The only one who wasn't interested was that Eskimo fellow who was getting stuck into a slice of bread that he had stored away earlier.
      It was then one of the women came into the room and told me I had a phone call. Who would be calling me?
      - I didn't give anybody the phone number, I said, as I followed her out.
      - It's your Mother, she said ushering me out to the phone in a little boot outside.
      - Hello Ma. How's the world treating you?
      - Are you okay, Joe?
      - No Ma. I hate it here. Why don't you be a good soul and drop by tomorrow morning with the engine running so that I can make an escape from this depressing place.
      - You have to stay there until you get better, she told me.
      -I am better ma. This place works quickly. I'm cured Ma. I'm cured. Miracles happen here. Still I don't believe anything was wrong with me, in the first place!
      - Joe, try to be serious about this; just do what the nice people there tell you. Behave yourself, okay?
      - Okay Ma. Whatever you say. I better go ma. I was getting ready for bed.
      - Okay Joe. I'll phone you next Monday night.
      - Looking forward to it Ma. Goodnight and God bless Ma.
      -Goodnight Joe.
      In bed I closed my eyes and tried to plan an escape but the faint moans from my new roommates as their wanking society held a meeting kept making me loss my concentration. I eventually fell asleep without a plan and it was all because of those wankers.

* * *       In the morning after breakfast on the way across the backyard to

* * *       I didn’t notice that Father Byrne had returned. He didn't come with my two hundred Euros, he came with two guards and said calmly to me:
      - Joe, be a good boy and go with these two gentlemen.
      - Ha, ha, ha.
      - What’s so funny? One of the guards asked with a fucking awful accent.
      You stupid cunt, I’m laughing with Jesus. But I didn’t say that, instead I remained calm. They pulled me up off the bench towards the squad car outside. Ha,ha,ha. I was still laughing when the squad car pulled up outside the special home. Why did I still laugh? The voice inside my head told me I was Jesus on his second coming to this ugly place where everybody was fucking nuts.